So It Goes
by Grand Phoenix
Summary: It's hard to let go. [Post-Tower of Heaven, What-If]


**Disclaimer:** All characters and locations belong to their respective owners.

_A/N: As much as I enjoyed the Tower of Heaven arc, I found myself disappointed that Erza didn't die. Because, Grand Magic Games aside, if there were a place in _Fairy Tail_ where she could've gone out in a blaze of glory, it would've been there._

* * *

This isn't what I want their lives to be like when I move on. When the world moves on. Except when you die and there's nothing left of your body to take home to be buried or cremated and your friends and loved ones are lost in a grief that has no end, the world by and large doesn't care. Nature doesn't mourn the loss of man or animal, nor does it care how you meet your end. The one thing it does care about is your body decomposing beneath the surface, providing a gourmet meal for the worms and nutrients for the grass and plants that have taken root above you.

There's nothing for me to give to this world. No free food or energy to offer God's green earth and blue sky for the paths I've walked and the air I've breathed. The paths I've carved and the air I've rendered with my magic.

I gave myself to unstable Etherion and saved my friends from a death that would've utterly obliterated the atoms holding their bodies together.

It's not the death I've had in mind, but it fulfills its purpose nonetheless. To sacrifice oneself for the safety of others so they would live another day, see another tomorrow…I wouldn't go out any other way.

But this isn't what I wanted to leave behind.

This isn't the future I fought so hard for.

This…

_I don't want to see this._

I don't want to see the heavens crashing down on my guildmates and drown them in its mournful deluge.

I don't want to see my friends—my family, the only other family I've known since the days of my enslavement—clutching one another or fall to their knees and cry themselves ill.

I don't want to see Natsu pinned to the ground, biting at the hands that fight to cease his struggles, kicking and howling and sobbing his heart and soul out.

I…

I don't want this.

I don't want any of this. The tears. The sadness. The rain. The honor of the Magic Council.

I don't want this!

_I don't want this!_

It's a dream. This is all a dream.

I'll wake up…I'll wake up, and everything will go away. No more tears. No more sadness. No more rain. Everything will be as it should be.

I can see it now: I'll wake up to a sky clustered with stars, the sea awash in silvery moonlight and steely blue Etherion-infused lacrima. Somehow, by providence or luck or coincidence, I'll be alive and in Natsu's arms, and together we'll walk away from the destruction of the Tower of Heaven and we'll be reunited with Lucy and Grey and Juvia and all our friends and everything will go back to normal.

Siegrain…Jellal…will die amidst the ruins and the world will move on.

I'll wake up.

I have to.

_I have to._

I can't live without them. I can't imagine a world without them.

I can't imagine them living without me.

Except the rest of the world, the world that isn't Fairy Tail, certainly has. Half the people outside Fiore don't know we exist. The people outside Earthland don't know we exist. They've gotten along just fine; just fine and dandy if you please.

But what about them? What about my boys Natsu and Grey, who have grown with me and shared my newfound happiness throughout the years? What about my girl Lucy, who I had met not so long ago but has found a way into this armored heart to become my closest friend? What about Master Makarov, who was kind enough to take me in—give me food and water, a bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, friends to make and play with—when I had nowhere else to go?

What will become of them? Will they move on? Would they?

I…

I don't know.

I should like to think they can; if they could handle opposition the likes of Lyon and his team and the Phantom Lord guild, surely they can endure the emotional vagaries of personal loss. Our minds must be as strong as our fists if we're to overcome any obstacle, quick enough to solve any challenge.

But when I look at them—_really_ look at them—huddled together in the gloom…I worry.

_I'm afraid._

I don't want to leave them. I can't. Not like this. They need me.

_I_ need them. And I have to wake up _now_.

_Please!_

_Wake up!_

_Wake up, damn you!_

_Please__…._

_Wake…up…._


End file.
